Exactly where you need to be

As I mentioned in my last post over two months ago, things have not been easy, both family and health-wise, with the former almost certainly affecting the latter. October and November were still quite intense, with my sleep being affected and my acne flaring up in new and scary ways. At the same time, I started to experience a budding sense of inner calm and the beginning of a healthier detachment from old, hurtful and ultimately self-destructive beliefs and dynamics.

I repeatedly found myself thinking about a sentence that one of my yoga teachers was fond of repeating: "You're exactly where you need to be". At the time, I absolutely hated it. I thought it was a very stupid thing to say and it eventually put me off that teacher. I was like, oh really, here I am, dealing with eating disorders all alone since I was a teen, with no support network, deeply unhappy and not knowing what to do with my life, and that is exactly where I need to be? FU.

These past few weeks though, that sentence re-emerged from who knows what depths of my subconscious, and I started viewing it under a different light, one of deep acceptance. For only when we really accept where we are in life can we find some peace. That does not mean that we cannot work to improve our life. It obviously makes sense to take action to better your health, your career, your relationships. But we can only move forward and upward if we first come to terms with our current circumstances and also accept that many things will not be under our control.

For instance, I realize now that I never fully accepted that I come from a broken and dysfunctional family, and how that shaped a life of eating disorders and a host of other health issues. The hurt of being neglected by both my parents and the lack of a relationship with my brother, which has become painfully obvious these past few months, were still causing me so much stress and unbearable emotion. For years, decades, I was crushed by this reality. Now I have finally understood that neither the perpetual sadness and acquiescence that used to characterize me nor the anger I have been experiencing this past year will change anything or do me any good.

Things are what they are. This is where I am and this is where I need to be, in the sense that the life I've had so far could only lead here. Now it's time to reflect on what lessons I have learned, what opportunities and positive influences I can count on right now, and where I can go from here.

These past few nights I've slept more and this week my acne seems to have finally calmed down again. Whether it is thanks to this newfound sense of deeper calm or not, we shall see. But I feel something has shifted and it felt worth sharing here.

Moving forward, I think I will be posting monthly, and I might combine a life and personal growth update with some of my favorite finds of the month (articles, podcasts, books + links to my videos if I find the time and headspace to resume filming), similarly to what I used to do in my Friday Musings. We'll see how that goes. As always, feel free to leave me some feedback, and let me know if that's something you may enjoy.

Until next time, take care. And I'll leave you with some Christmas cheer from my recent trip to Strasbourg and Colmar (France).