Yes, and

One of my theater classes last week provided a great reminder of how important it is to pay attention to what others are saying to you. We were all divided into pairs and given a scene from the movie Catch me if you can. Since we didn't know our lines perfectly yet, we were allowed to improvize a bit, as long as the general meaning and flow of the scene were preserved.

We all started working on getting to know the characters, their personalities and motivations, how they moved and spoke, etc., and every pair tried the scene out for the first time. However, as one of the teachers told us on our very first day at the school, you can be the best at impersonating your character, but if you don't really listen to what the rest of the cast is saying and doing, you won't be a good actor.

As the class progressed, most of us were more preoccupied with our role and our lines than with the dynamic between the two characters on stage. For the most part, we did okay at working with our assigned classmate, finding a way to help them if they fumbled their lines and making the scene work overall. We could have all done better though. In one egregious example, one of my classmates said his name wrong (introducing himself as Frank instead of Carl), and the other one kept calling him Carl anyway (which drove the teacher crazy!).

It's interesting that this happened just as I had been reflecting on how hard being a good listener seems to be. I wouldn't call myself a bad listener, but I definitely have room for improvement. For example, during my recent meetups in Utrecht, at times, I found myself wondering whether I had spoken more than I should have or if I had been interrupting the other person. I sometimes get the impression of doing that with my students too.

Being a better listener also leads to being more open to other people's ideas and new opportunities. One of the pillars of improvisation is the "Yes, and" principle. When someone else on stage states or does something, you accept it as truth—that's the "yes" part of the principle. The “and” part means that you then build on the reality that has been set. Taking it back to my acting classes, we usually have a blast during our improv sessions because, by working together and always being open to what others are bringing to the scene, the improv bits often go in a direction that no one would have initially imagined, and they end up being so much fun for everyone. We feed off each other's imagination, and we build something unexpected.

However, there are times when someone doesn't accept the other person's offer and responds with a "but" instead of a "yes". For example, in one of our recent sessions, one of my classmates had an idea of where he would have liked the scene to go. So when another classmate said something that took the scene in a whole different direction, he decided to stick to his own vision, and the result wasn't great. That doesn't make him a bad person; it's just an example of how we all tend to react with more "buts" than "yeses." We are more used to seeing problems and faults rather than opportunities. That's why the “Yes, and” principle is so important not just in improv but in business and life in general.

Yesterday, I was listening to my weekly Positive Intelligence training session, and they actually referenced the principle there as well. After stating that you can always find at least 10% of value in what the other person is saying, they provided some extreme examples where they were able to find something interesting in even the most outlandish claims. They suggested replying to any suggestion with a "What I like about that" and then building on that, which I found to be a great way to approach conversations. You don't have to wholeheartedly agree with the other person, but it's good to be open and strive to identify the value they have to offer.

I met with my "training pod" yesterday evening, and we went through a few rounds of "yes, and" ourselves. We experienced first-hand how it takes some practice to embrace this attitude and let go of our natural tendency to object and see why something can't or won't work.

I encourage you to give this principle a go this week and to show up as better listeners. Pay attention to what other people are saying, and be more open to seeing the value in what they are offering. Let us know how it goes by sharing any experiences and insights in the comments.

As always, don’t forget to share this post with anyone who may find it interesting. And if you want to chat more about intentional living and personal development, or if you’re curious about Positive Intelligence, theatre and yoga, shoot me an email or book a free call.